Mother and Daughter-in laws Pt 2

In September of 2010 I wrote a blog post directed at being a good daughter-in-law. Tonight, I am writing a letter to myself on how to be the best mother-in-law I can be when the time comes. It seems that lately, I have been talking to a lot of women who are struggling with their relations with their daughter-in-laws. I see others who are doing a great job. I talk to young women who are hurting because of their mother-in-laws. I want to do an excellent job when the time comes, so here are thoughts and notes to myself. (Incidentally, I have a great mother-in-law and I have learned a lot from her.)

I think the first step in being a good mother-in-law is get to know your daughter-in-law. Spend time with her. If she is open to it, have a Bible study with her. Get to know her family. Pay attention and figure out her love language. If you aren't familiar with them, read the book 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman. It helps to explain where many communication breakdowns come from. A person thinks they are communicating love to someone else, but the person doesn't hear it or feel it because it wasn't in their language. Make the effort to learn about her hobbies, interests, and job. Encourage her in those pursuits.

Give her time to get to know you and trust you. Be careful what you say to her. Avoid even the suggestion of a criticism, unless you have developed a deep and open relationship. Even then be very cautious. Don't talk about how wonderful and talented your daughters are. It will make her feel criticized and inadequate. Let her hear you praise and appreciate her to other people and say it directly to her. Let her know you are one of her biggest fans. Keep the lines of communication open. Pick the way she feels most comfortable, whether phone, written notes, electronic, or in person.

When the couple is starting off, give them time and space to develop their own family culture. Give them freedom to make their own decisions without your input. Don't make your d-i-l feel as if she must compete with you for your son's affection and appreciation. Don't interfere or be a busybody. They will make decisions that you disagree with. That's OK. Just because someone chooses differently doesn't mean they are wrong. There is more than one right way to do something. Support them in whatever they decide. Feel free to pray for them all you want! That will avail more than all the interference or comments you make will do.

When your daughter-in-law does something that hurts your feelings, forgive her. Allow her to grow and mature without criticism. None of us wants to be remembered as we were. We all did things we would rather not have remembered when we were young and first married. Be positive. Express your appreciation and notice of the growth and maturation in her life. Tell her whenever you see her doing the things you appreciate (Loving your son and grandchildren, helping others, etc). Help her feel welcomed into your life. If she offers to help with something, accept it warmly. Don't be demanding. Invite her along when you do something with your other daughters. Find something special that the two of you can enjoy doing together.

Support their marriage. Offer to watch the children periodically so they (your son and his wife) can go out on a date night together. If finances are tight for them, and you can manage, help them to have some time away as a family on vacation. Be supportive of whatever educational or other decisions they make as a family. Resist the temptation to give your input unless asked. Be careful what you say to or ask the grandchildren. It will probably be repeated at home. Don't probe or criticize. Treat your d-i-l as you would have like to be treated by your own mother-in-law. Never stop praying for their family.

I would love your input on what I have missed. What was the best thing your mother-in-law did for you?

~Mom

Mother and Daughter-in-Laws

I have a real burden to learn to be a godly older woman. To be a Titus 2 kind of friend to the younger women I know. I awoke this morning at 4:30 with this on my heart. I hope it can be an encouragement to both the younger and the older women.

I am truly blessed to have a godly mother-in-law that prays for me and encourages me. She loves to spend time with our children. She worked hard at raising nine children. She has a lot of wisdom. The question is, "Do I have the humility and security to allow her to teach me?"

I see a lot of young women who do not work at developing their relationship with their mother-in-law. They feel insecure and take what she says as judgment rather than encouragement. The mother-in-law is unsure how to proceed so she backs away, not wanting to further damage the relationship. Our mother-in-laws do have different ideas about how things should be done. That's OK. We need to listen and learn. We need to honor them. They have raised their son to be the fine man that we enjoy and appreciate as our husband. They have given us a gift. Yet it is so much easier to spend most of our time and emotional energy on our own family and leave out our in-laws.

How can we reach out to our in-laws if we have already closed them out? A letter is a good way to start. A thank-you note for raising our husbands with pictures of the children. Appreciation always is appropriate. Have the children write notes to them. When they reach out to us, we should listen and learn. They need encouragement too. Ask them questions and listen to their stories. The things you learn from them are a part of the spiritual heritage you can pass on to your own children. If you have in-laws that are believers, do you know their testimony? Who were the important people that influenced their lives? Remember, give them the benefit of the doubt. They are probably NOT trying to make your life miserable. If they say something that hurts your feelings, put yourself in their place and keep on communicating. Remember, they are putting up with you and your imperfections too.

If you have an out of control in-law, have your husband deal with them primarily, they are his parents. He will need to set boundaries. Continue to pray for them, no matter what. Obviously, sexual predators and violent people will not have access to the children. But this would be an extreme, uncommon situation. In-laws that tear down your family values or are unsupportive of your choices in a vocal way should only have supervised visits with the children. Again, your husband should be the one communicating these limits.

Try and grow your relationship with your in-laws. Include them in your life. Encourage them to spend time with the children. Make regular visits to them and encourage your husband to keep up his communication with them. You will be blessed with a great friend, if you learn to love your mother-in-law. She is someone who wants to see you succeed as a wife and mother. Sometimes she is feeling insecure and doesn't want to step in when she feels unwelcome. It is almost always appropriate for the daughter-in-law to ask for her m-i-l's input and include her in your family life. You will be glad you did.

~Mom

PS I will write another post soon on being a proper mother-in-law. I want to remember my thoughts for when the time comes for me to step into that role.

School's Out For the Summer!!!!

I am really excited! This is the earliest that we have finished a school year. This is the first time we have been done in May. We did not take a spring break this year in order to speed our progress. It has paid off. Yippee! I know the teacher is not supposed to be this excited, it is the students who are supposed to be rejoicing. Too bad, I'm glad! I really do enjoy home educating, it is just that now I feel we can get to the fun stuff! The things that we didn't have time for during the year. I bought a bunch of specimens to dissect. I am hoping to get some more board games played. Some hikes at the local parks, maybe a little swimming, I have a whole list. I want some time so that I can get back to learning to play the piano and boost my exercising. I am planning to have the children spend 2 hours a day reading. I am going to read with them. You wouldn't believe how tall my pile of books that I want to read is. Actually if the truth were told, it is no longer a single pile, but is composed of multiple piles stacked beside my bed that are higher than the bed. We have a high bed, too. If I knock them over it is a BIG mess. I want to read a book when I am not so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. I love learning and I haven't gotten enough of it lately. I am even thinking of how to work in some art lessons, maybe have some of the children get back to their violins. I have so many plans for the summer. A week at camp, a bunch of weddings and graduations. I want the quiet too. I want the children to remember how to play together without needing a battery or an electric cord. I would like us to have quiet time and family time. I want it to be a summer of blessed memories. Yes, to experience the gentle art of learning. I want a few more picnics at the beach and watching the sunset with the children.

Did I mention that one of the local universities has their BIIIIG book sale on Saturday? It is usually a great sale with lots of donated books and wonderful things to add to our family library. I will share next week about what treasures I found. I love book sales, and this one is my favorite.
Trust you all are enjoying an equally blessed week!
~Mom

Keeping up with the Smith's

The following is something that I read and really appreciated. I e-mailed it to some of you, but I wanted to share it further and to put it where I can easily find it. The article was written by Becky Shah an Emmaus alumni. I also liked Kathy's response that follows. I trust you will appreciate it. I really don't know any real Mrs. Smiths. I think she is just a figment of our horizontal imaginations. We should really be looking up to God and not comparing ourselves to each other.




I am sure you all have heard of the Joneses with all their material possessions and materialistic pursuits, but have you met their cousins, the Smiths? Mrs. Smith is a woman like no other.She has 10 lovely darlings, though still wears a size 2 and hasn't hardly a wrinkle or stretch mark on her tummy. Each one is perfectly obedient at all times, perfectly groomed: nails are never overgrown and pants are never too short. She spends several hours each day catering the special needs and interest of each individual child. Of course, she is homeschooling and each child is exceptional, knowing classical Latin, Biblical Greek, and Hebrew by the age of 8, and on track to graduate with their bachelor with a full scholarship by 18. Each child has already started a business venture of their own and is making a sizable income, plays an instrument with skills surpassing their years, excels in organized sports, and yet they all still have several hours a day to just play. When Mrs. Smith is not investing in her children, she is caring for the household: laundry, vacuuming, dusting, washing windows, cleaning cabinets, polishing door knobs...all chores are are completed daily so the house is always at its best. Of course, she also provides 3 home cooked meals for her family mostly from produce she has grown in her own organic garden and fresh bread from grain she as milled herself. She has even managed a business on the side to help with the family income.The family is highly involved in their local church attending meetings 3 days a week, as well as helping with the church sponsored ministry every Sat.She has not forgotten to practice her faith outside of the church either, befriending the neighbors, having coffee and a Bible study with the elderly lady across the street twice a week, babysitting for the single mother regularly, and making sure that the grandparents get as much grandchild and child time as they want.Mrs. Smith makes sure that her husband does not feel neglected. Of course, when he comes home from work, she has the children quietly engaged in a project, dinner hot and ready to serve, and she herself, is perfectly groomed, hair fixed, spit-up free clothes, dressed to go out just to stay at home with her family. She saves all her evenings just to be with husband, listen about his day, and watch the game with him.Last, but not least she has not neglected her own spiritual growth, getting up at 4:00 in the morning to begin her day with a 2 hour devotion and prayer time before starting. Mrs. Smith is a woman to be admired. She is Godly, loving, productive, exceptional. She is the woman that I often find myself striving to be. She is also a woman living in a world with 50 hour days and unlimited energy. LOL!!! Please understand, ALL the things she does are wonderful (though some more wonderful than others). There is not fault to be found in these things. The fault I find is in me, striving for a perfection out side of Biblical standards: creating a Christian wife standard that would have made the pharisees proud with its unattainable goals and ability to destroy the one in pursuit of trying to succeed. I don't know how I get caught up in these things. How do I jumble up the great things to do with the good things to do? I know I need to seek the Lord more for His blessing on each days activities, and I know that the things I may need to cut out may not be the same for another. Because I am not Mrs. Smith, because there is NO way I can live up to her standard, I need to be sure to choose the BEST for each day, that which will bring the most glory to God whether in the church, or in focusing on the family and raising the children, or fully involved in ministry outside the home. I know His plan for me is not the same as His plan for you, so I need to make sure to stay in touch with Him and following His lead. Trying to follow Mrs. Smith would leave me exhausted, depressed, frustrated, and destroyed. I am so glad to remember that Jesus' burden is light and He will give me the strength and ability to do what He desires of me.
Kathy (Shields) Kerwin 10/28/09
I don't think it's possible that ANY woman could attain all that was listed there without passing out of sheer exhaustion. I also think that most Moms struggle with finding the balance between family, church, ministry, etc ... For myself, I tend to overbook. I don't do it on purpose but suddenly I look at our calendar and there's not a single day free of some kind of event/activity/practice/gathering, etc! Then I become completely overwhelmed and stressed trying to balance all the balls at once. I'm also one who tends to be hard on myself thinking that I'm not doing enough for my kids - especially when it comes to school work! I feel like so many weeks we are so busy that we're lucky if we get language and math done and all my other 'good' intentions fall by the wayside. What other balls do I drop on a regular basis? Oh yeah, I hardly ever make time to exercise, I often don't make time for my quiet time with the Lord and many days the house is messy b/c we've been so busy. And there's more ... oh there's always more! So what does one do? Honestly I think it's more about the need to sllllooooooowwww down. This week I canceled on 3 things simply b/c we have had a busy and stressful week and we needed to slow down a little. The world would have us think that our kids need to be in every program, activity and sport - but what our kids really need is a family who spends time with each other and is dedicated to the Lord. I'm trying to learn that lesson myself. I need to stop comparing myself to other homeschool Moms who are doing A LOT more with their kids, with other Moms who are thinner and healthier b/c they spend hours a week at the gym, etc ... I heard this awesome quote this past weekend at a women's retreat ... "Live your life before an audience of ONE" {one meaning the Lord, no one else.}

Kathy

~Mom